Fairytale -Part VI

(To read part Part 5...you know the drill)

Ben...dreadful news.

What, Josh?!?

Our notes, all of them, were burned...to a crisp. 

What! How?

Er...I believe it was because "certain persons" needed kindling to roast marshmallows. Regardless, I think the next best is to interview those who were involved with the story. From there, I think we can formulate a near accurate account of this history.

By all means, proceed.

As I heard it from Anaxandrides the Pig (who lives out in the sticks), who heard it from the Granny of Clogged Shoes, who heard it from a little bird, who heard it from the Prince in the Well, the Queen was not long in following her stepdaughters. This is where accounts differ. One hand says that a technicality in the guide book (held by the HR manager) required the queen to order the princess's heart, and if she didn't, then she must resign her position. The other hand says (whoever owns these hands must be an ambidextrous ventriloquist) that the queen self-banished herself, out of remorse for having ordered her stepdaughters to be banished. Regardless, she found herself ousted, and wandering in the woods, seeking shelter.

I will now take a quote from the Prince's Deeply, dated at some later time. "Lo and behold, the queen did thence stumble and struggle through a substantial mass of underbrush in the woods. The directions given by her one-time huntsman, Zacchaeus (by name) did bid her take the forest path to a small hunting cabin located not far in the woods. She was, nevertheless, confused, as she did not realize that forests needed paths, and thus found herself tramping through what she considered to be the path taken by the forest. This, assuredly, led her far from her desired path."

I was briefly able to interview a close associate of the dwarf Zacchaeus. By this associate's account (he wished to remain anonymous), Zacchaeus returned to the castle with happy heart, knowing his job was completed. However, upon entering the gatehouse, he passed the HR manager.

"Hey Napoleon." He began, but the HR manager stopped him.

"Huntsman, I've come to an astounding realization. The vacancy ensued by the queen's death" (at this point one of Zacchaeus's eyebrows shot up) "results in a shift of command. By studying this flowchart, " he said, opening the ever-present guide-book. "I've come to the conclusion that her nearest henchman is to assume command. That would be you." He slammed the book shut with a thud. "Congratulations. We can sign the contract later. As for now, what is your first act of office?"

It took a full 17 minutes and 23 seconds for Zacchaeus to wake up from his fainted state (it was later found that he had forgotten to drink 4 cups of coffee that morning, resulting in a massive headache that literally laid him flat). His brothers were gathered around, and they quickly held a consultation, the primary question of which was "What are bad guys supposed to do?" (for you remember that it is an evil castle for which they worked).

Dorky, ironically, had the best idea. "A castle is not bad unless some factor of fear is present. Therefore, I suggest we find for ourselves a beast of enormous proportions. Then we can terrorize the surroundings."

"What sort of beast?" Rumplestiltskin asked.

"A wolf. A wolf would be perfect for our abode!" Leper Khan exclaimed. "Ferocious, stupid, and easy to catch!"

"How is a wolf easy to catch?" Jack asked.

"Easy. We know the perfect bait. Two pigs live in two houses deep in the woods. To there, a wolf is sure to go a-huffing and a-puffing. We will therefore lie in wait for said beast, and capture it, and bring it to our castle!"

It was very quickly agreed that this was the course of action to take. Jack was nominated to go and scout around to see if a wolf even be in the area.

At this point, Ben, my contact started expounding on the Adventures of Blueberry Dorsal, a distant relative of Tom Sawyer. 

That'll do. We'll continue the story next time. But seriously Josh, who burned our notes?

Well. I'll give you a clue: the person has a....